Freedom and Acceptance, a Rant

"We are a family that should stand together as one,
Helping each other instead of just wasting time;
Now is the moment to reach out to someone, it's all up to you,
When everyone's sharing their hope, then love will win through;
Everybody's free to feel good,
Everybody's free to feel good." 

-- Rozalla, Everybody's Free

Forgive my need to rant. I just found out that a trans acquaintance committed suicide over the weekend. =(

Sadly, this kind of thing is not uncommon. I hear about murders and suicides of trans people all the time, and it horrifies me. Though I didn't know them well, the fact that I knew them at all makes it hit home that much harder. I hope they're at peace.

I won't pretend to speak for this person, and there may have been any number of difficult things going on in their life which caused this. But I do know that all-too-often the fear and pain of rejection is what drives many of our community members to take their own lives. Nobody deserves to feel so out of place in this world that they're forced to leave it.

As a very open trans person, I often come out to new people during the first few times I meet them (so long as I feel relatively safe). I do this mainly because I'm a control freak. If I tell everyone, I'm not left to wonder "who knows?", and it's that much more difficult to use the information against me.

In these situations, I nearly always hear "Oh wow, I would have never guessed!" or "When I met you, I couldn't tell at all." These sayings are a well-known cliche among the trans community, and they're sometimes even considered rude or insulting. After all, what makes anyone feel that they should be able to tell? And is being able to tell somehow bad?

Personally, I usually take it as a compliment and try to smile, mainly because the people saying these things probably have good intentions, and probably aren't thinking about the deeper implications. But I also smile because these phrases are a guilty pleasure for me. Passing does provide privilege, and I am constantly aware of it. When I walk down the street, or in to a public establishment, or meet new people without strange looks or harassment. Much as I hate it, the words "I never knew" say to me, "Nobody knows. You are safe."

But passing as one gender or the other should not be an indicator of acceptance. Further, passing should not be a measure of personal safety and freedom.

Many people put off expressing their true selves for years, decades, or even their entire life, because they are afraid. Afraid of the reaction, of how they'll be treated. Before I even came out to Erin, I weighed the very heavy possibilities. Is it worth the risk of rejection to be myself? Is it worth losing any number of my friends and family, my job, or even Erin? Is it worth becoming one of the worst treated minorities in the country? We hope for the best, but we must plan for the worst. With being true to myself on one side of the scale, and possible social rejection in every form on the other, it was the most difficult decision I've ever made.

Acceptance changes lives, and I feel so extremely fortunate, grateful (and sometimes guilty), that I am as loved and accepted as I am by so many people. Scary as it has been, being appreciated as myself has kept me from thinking about suicide for a very long time. Whenever I feel strong enough, I try to use this acceptance as a platform to show others that we exist, and that we only want what everyone else wants.

Still, I am usually more open about being a lesbian than I am about being trans. Though both identities leave Erin and me prone to all sorts of discrimination, the public's treatment and understanding of trans people is still leagues behind. =/

I'm ever so thankful to live in a country that lets me choose what to do with my own body, and in a time when the world is slowly coming around. But freedom isn't just about the law, who gets to serve in the military, who gets to marry, and who is theoretically protected from discrimination (though these are very important steps along the path). It's also about the personal freedom to be ourselves; to express our thoughts, feelings, and personalities the way we'd like without fear of retribution; to love and be loved; to not be shunned or hated for simply living the only way we know how.

We've come a long way, and it's an exciting time to be alive, but we still have a long way to go. And none of us will ever be truly free until we all are.

Holidays, and Planning for Surgery

"Did you ever have to make up your mind,
Pick up on one and leave the other behind?
It's not often easy and not often kind;
Did you ever have to make up your mind?"
-- Lovin' Spoonful, Did You Ever Have to Make up Your Mind

Whooh! It's been a while. Shall we catch up? =D

The holidays came and went, and Erin and I kept Christmas small in order to save money for other things. I saw family, many of whom I only see at Christmas, and some of whom hadn't seen the new me yet. Quite a few people gave me that soul penetrating curious stare, as if reconciling it all in their heads just requires looking at and through me for a while. I can't say it really bugs me; it never feels malicious, just weird. =)

Quite a few other family members complemented me on my looks, including my mom, stepdad, aunts, and a few cousins. As someone with chronic self-esteem issues, I treasure every piece of unsolicited praise I get. More importantly, I think most of them have had time to adjust, and those that have just act normally now, which is nice.

So far this year has been pretty uneventful, except that I've been thinking about surgery lately. A lot. It feels like the concept is always looming over me, waiting to consume my thoughts whenever I have a free moment. As I wrote here, I plan to have the surgery eventually, it's just a matter of when. I know that I wouldn't have been ready six months ago, but each day that the thought has been left to marinate, I've become a little less afraid, and a little more anxious to just get it over with.

Marriage put even more urgency on it; I feel guilty for holding back our lives with this huge financial burden. Erin has said many times that she doesn't mind helping with this, but I know that the sooner it's done, the sooner we can start working towards other goals.

It's the money that complicates the timing the most at this point. I'm thinking (hoping?) that around November 2011 would be a good time in many ways. It's far enough out that I can hopefully book it, and can hopefully have the funds ready, but close enough to satisfy my wanting to have it done with already. Thanks to a court ruling almost exactly a year ago, SRS is considered a tax deductible medical expense, making the end-of-year timing even more beneficial. Of course, if I want to schedule it for then, I need to figure out if we'll have the money and who will be performing my surgery soon.

One good thing about insurance not covering surgery is that I'm free to choose any surgeon I can pay for, but deciding on a surgeon for something so life-altering is extremely difficult. Researching surgeons is frustrating at best. The internets have provided a lot more information than might have been had 20 years ago, but not nearly as much as you might think.

The major surgeons have websites with pages of text on things like aftercare, but never much detail on their technique. They'll post pictures of their best patient results, but these aren't always informative as a sampling, especially when they haven't posted new results since 2004. Talking to other trans women helps, but each person obviously only gets one reassignment surgery from one surgeon, so it's nearly impossible to compare things like sensation. It's also (understandably) a very private thing for many people, so it's tough to find a large enough sampling to feel like I really know a surgeon's work and range of outcomes.

My main concerns are good sensation, good aesthetics, and no complications. Since I'm big on informed decisions, I've only been considering the surgeons I can find the most information on. This also has a side effect of leaving me with the popular surgeons, who also have the most experience. So far, I've been focusing a handful of them: Toby Meltzer, Pierre Brassard, Suporn Watanyusakul, and Marci Bowers. These are all excellent surgeons, and I've seen pictures of good results from all of them. With the exception of Dr Suporn, they also use the same basic penile inversion technique, though everyone has their own subtle variations.

Dr Suporn works out of Thailand (Chon Buri), where more reassignment surgeries are performed each year than in any other country. As far as I can tell, his fee is around 500,000 Baht, which is about $16,000 US, but I would also have to pay for travel. His technique is well known for providing greater vaginal depth, which is something many trans women are concerned about. This seems to be a holdover from a time when the standard techniques didn't provide enough depth to have intercourse. Being a lesbian, depth is not really a priority for me. ;)

Traveling also comes with its own set of complications. If I went out of country, I'd likely stay there for about a month to recover. I would want Erin to come with, but bringing her would increase travel costs, and there's no way we can both take a month off of work. She could come home early, but she's scared of traveling alone (and I don't blame her). I've also spent a month in another country without her before, twice, and we both hated being apart for that long.

Dr Brassard works out of Montreal, Quebec, which would come with some of the same travel issues. From what I can find, his cost is around $18,000. I haven't done much in-depth research on him, mainly due to being put off by the travel concerns. Based on what I've seen, he uses more of the urethral mucosa than most, and I don't think I like what this does to the look of the final result.

Dr Bowers used to be in Trinidad, CO, but recently moved, and now works out of San Mateo, CA, about an 11 hour drive from SLC. I called her office for her cost, and it's about $22,500. Marci is a trans woman herself, and learned her technique from Dr Stanley Biber, though she has made many of her own modifications and improvements since taking over his practice when Biber retired in 2003.

While many surgeons recommend a "second stage" outpatient procedure called a labiaplasty at least three months after the initial surgery, mainly for cosmetic improvements, Marci is often touted as performing a "one stage" procedure. Labiaplasties cost around $4,000-$5,000 dollars, plus another trip to the surgeon, and more healing, so that's quite a savings, but some people still opt for a labiaplasty after SRS with Marci, and some people opt not to get one after SRS with "two stage" surgeons, so I don't know how much weight to put in this.

Dr Meltzer works out of Scottsdale, part of Phoenix, AZ, which is also about 11 hours from SLC. I emailed his office, and they quoted his current cost at about $25,000. Of all the result pics I've seen, his outcomes seem the most consistent and "clean", but I especially like the aesthetics of his results after the "second stage" labiaplasty. Though the labiaplasty could be performed any time down the road, this would obviously put my total cost much higher.

Overall I'm thinking it's between Meltzer or Bowers. Yes, they're the most expensive, but for good reason, and they're both close. Here's where I need your help.

If you're trans, do you have an opinion on any of these surgeons? If so, please tell me why you feel the way you do, good or bad. Also, does anyone have any other surgeons I should be considering? I've also briefly looked in to McGinn, Alter, and Reed.

And finally, I've got around $12,000 saved, and we should be able to save most of the rest by the end of the year, but every bit added will help us feel safer, less anxious, and more confident. I've set up a donation button on the right side of my profile, where people can send money to my cause. I personally hate asking for money, so please know that it is with a very humble heart that I ask for donations. This is a daunting cost for a newlywed couple; while I secretly hope donations can help us fill in the unknown gap, we will figure this out one way or another. If you donate anything at all, feel free to brag about it... or leave it anonymous if that's more your style.

Thank you, and I love you. <3

Wedding Day! Part 2

"Me and you, and you and me,
No matter how they toss the dice, it had to be,
The only one for me is you, and you for me,
So happy together."
 -- The Turtles, Happy Together

Whew! Where to start? Where to start?

The two biggest things that have happened recently are my legal name change and my wedding. I should probably separate them in to two posts, so for now I'll stick to the wedding. =)

I posted regarding our engagement back in February, and a short post on our wedding day last week. Honestly I'm a bit surprised that's all I've posted, because a lot of my life over the past few months has been doing various planning and preparation for the wedding.

We held both the ceremony and reception at Erin's mom's last Friday, and they were both awesome.

Friday morning, after doing the final prep-work, including our hair/makeup/clothes, we met our photographer (my uncle) at Murray Park for some photos. Then we headed back to the venue and started greeting family and friends as they arrived. The ceremony was performed by our friend Eric, who did an amazing job, and I bawled through the entire thing.

After the ceremony, we took a few pics with family and friends, followed by a hilariously corny toast by our friend George:

 From there, Erin and I got tipsy and wandered around the house/yard, talking to various guests as they arrived for the reception party. At some point during the night we also managed to shove cake in each other's faces, and threw one of our two bouquets. For a guest book, we made 4x6 cards for everyone to write some advice on, and ended up filling half a photo album with them.

Almost everyone from both of our immediate families attended the ceremony, including my parents, grandpa, three of my four sisters, my brother, Erin's parents, grandma, sister, and brothers. I know at least a few of these people were still unsure on the idea of such a queer wedding, and some of them hadn't even seen me since transition, so it meant a lot to us that they came and supported us anyway.

All in all it was exactly what we wanted: laid back, fun, simple, but still romantic and memorable. It was also a blast having our friends and families mingling, and there were many times during the night when I'd pull a common interest out of the air just to get two random friends chatting. It's fascinating to step back and watch two people I've known for years become friends. My friend Kyle described the whole event as "floating in a sea of happy", and I couldn't agree more. It was without a doubt the best day of my life, from start to finish.

On Saturday, we relaxed and hung out with Erin's brother who was in town from California for the wedding. And on Sunday, we drove out to Wendover (a nearby town just over the Nevada border), had dinner with my mom/stepdad, played Blackjack/slots together, and spent the night in a hotel room with a jacuzzi tub.

We're meeting up with my uncle this Saturday to get the rest of the photos and help him out with his school project on diversity; so hopefully I'll post some more pics in a few days. =)

Wedding Day!

"Now we're together nearly every single day, singin'

Doo-wah-diddy diddy-dum diddy-do;

We're so happy and that's how we're gonna stay, singin'

Doo-wah-diddy diddy-dum diddy-do;

I'm hers (I'm hers), she's mine (she's mine),

Wedding bells are gonna chime"

 -- Rick Springfield, Doo Wah Diddy Diddy

Short post! I have a ton that I've been meaning to update on, but for now, I just wanted to say that it's my wedding day! Hooray!

At first, we were thinking about just having a simple ceremony at the courthouse. Then we decided that we should do that, but move it outside. Next we moved the venue to Erin's mom's house, to go back to simple. And then we thought, "If we're having it at Erin's mom's, we might as well invite more people.", and it has kept on building.

Fortunately we've still managed to keep it fairly simple, as weddings go, and the toughest part has been trying to let go of other peoples' expectations and pressures. We just don't care as much about the stupid little details as we do about being surrounded by friends and family, and I'm pretty sure we've managed that.

Since Erin and I have been (living) together for almost five years, this really isn't going to change much for us, so I'm more nervous about something going wrong than I am about actually marrying her. I need to just take a deep breath, focus on my wonderful bride and the people around us, and let that which does not matter truly slide. =)

Wedding Plans in Mormon Central

"Work it harder, make it better,
Do it faster, makes us stronger;

More than ever, hour after,

Our work is never over."

 -- Daft Punk, Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

Lots happening lately, which is good!

This morning, Erin and I finally managed to go order wedding invitations. We've been procrastinating, like we do with everything, but we're getting down to the wire at this point, so we figured we'd better get it done.

On the way to the printer's, we got pulled over for an expired registration-- another thing I've been forgetting/procrastinating for far too long (yeah, I know, it's dumb). As nervous and annoyed as I was, the officer was actually very nice and professional. He gave me a ticket (which I deserved), but didn't once mention my male ID, other than to ask if Davin is the name I prefer to go by. Yay!

Erin picked out Jaffa Printing, and the lady there was very helpful. We ended up choosing a cute polka-dot patterned border, which I'm sure I'll post a picture of later. The design is very fun, less formal, and very us. At one point, the clerk asked for the groom's name, then blurted out "You're the groom!?", but after I nodded, she quickly recovered, and didn't mention it again.

Everywhere we go, I'm constantly surprised at the lack of overt discrimination by businesses in conservative Utah. I have to think it's a combination of people coming around and realizing they want our money anyway, and luck. Some people even seem more enthusiastic about helping us out once they realize we're marrying each other.

The Bed Bath and Beyond in Jordan Landing is another great example. When we got registered there a few days back, they didn't seem to be thrown off by it at all. Employees kept coming by as we were scanning to congratulate us and ask if we needed help, and the main girl helping us asked cute questions, like how we met. She also asked, out of curiosity, what my legal name was, and seemed genuinely surprised by the answer. All in all a great experience.

In other news, I also finally managed to get a hold of my dad today. Apparently the number I've been calling for weeks is a work number that he doesn't answer. -_-  I can't keep track of his many cell phones any more.

Anywho, I hadn't actually talked to him since I came out to him in December. Somehow I managed to push through the conversation, and let him know that Erin and I are getting married, that nobody calls me Davi anymore, and that I'm switching my middle name to my last name. Whew! Apparently it all went over ok, because we're planning to get together for dinner this Saturday. It should be interesting having him see the new me for the first time.

Last, but not least, I went shopping today, and I think I've finally figured out what I'll be wearing to our wedding! Erin has ordered a very beautiful dress, but I've never been a fan of fancy clothes. Growing up, I hated the idea of getting married in a tux, but since anything else was out of the question, I also didn't dream of wearing a dress. At the same time, I don't want to look silly next to Erin, so today I picked up some slacks, new shoes, a white button-up shirt, and a cute black business-type jacket, open at the collar (all for around $100!).

I'm pretty proud of myself for putting together a cute outfit on my own (though I'm going to have a harder time with accessories), and for getting so much that we've been worried about out of the way. Hopefully I can ride this high for a while; we've still got a lot to do!

Telling Erin's Family

"Breathe, keep breathing,
Don't lose, your nerve.

Breathe, keep breathing,

I can't do this, alone."

 -- Radiohead, Exit Music (For a Film)

*sigh*

I've been meaning to write for quite a while, as usual. For the same reasons that I really want to write, it's also been hard to find the time.

Between coming out to Erin's dad two weeks ago, planning our wedding, voice classes, planning work transition, and hanging out with old and new friends and family more in the past three months than in the whole previous year, sometimes I'm surprised I find time to breathe. It's good, but it's scary; I'm not used to my life being like this, and I always feel like I'm forgetting something really obvious.

I like to be aware of things. As long as I'm aware of everything, especially my own faults, then I can correct them or decide not to feel stupid about them ahead of time. The current pressure makes me worry that I'm losing awareness of details, like I could have something horrible on my face all day, and not notice. *sigh* C'est la vie.

Where was I? Oh yeah-- Erin's dad and stepmom took the news really well! Erin really loves her dad, so I think keeping this secret has been hard on her. That she loves him is also exactly why we were afraid to tell him. I was so scared that he was going to take it badly, and that I would blame myself.

We went to visit them with the intent to get it over with. When we got there, we skirted around it for a while, trying to find the right situation, which never comes. Suddenly, they started searching around the internets, and saying they wanted to see our FaceySpace profiles.

Me: *sinking feeling, tugging on Erin's arm* "Say something!"
Erin: "So... we came here to tell you something... [my old name] is transgender."
Dad-in-Law: "Ok, so? Why does that matter?"
Me: "It doesn't really matter, but it was still important that we tell you."
Dad-in-Law: "That makes sense... Listen, I may not agree with it, but as long as Erin's ok with it, it's fine."

The "I may not agree with it" caveat is always weird, but that's for another time. With the way they were going after our FB profiles, I'm pretty sure they knew ahead of time. I find that parents are often more clever than their children give them credit for.

They asked a few questions about it, which is always a good sign of acceptance. With the air cleared, we decided to stay and play a few rounds of Rummikub. Erin slipped back into calling me "she," and by mid-game, her dad picked up on it and started using female pronouns as well. At one point, Erin left the table to use the restroom, and he told me "You know, you can call me Dad." =3

I'm surprised I didn't write about it before, but the rest of Erin's family has been similarly accepting. Her brother was one of the first people we told, and he was actually excited for me. We told her sister last summer, and her mom, stepdad, and other brother in December. The last three even took us out to dinner to celebrate our engagement.

I thought people were supposed to hate their in-laws? If this is a dream, please, don't pinch me.

Telling Dad

"'I am not alone, I am not afraid, I am not unhappy,'
These are the words I say to myself, every day,
I am not alone, I am not afraid, I am not unhappy.
Tell me what ritual I should have today.
But I'm not alone,
I've resolved so many things, and set myself free."
-- VNV Nation, Fearless

As most know, I recently came out to my dad, and my two little sisters. I told Dad in person, instead of rewriting the letter. I could pretend this was some brave gesture, facing my fear head on, but my motives were mostly selfish; I told him directly because the reaction I was most afraid of was silence. In the end, I froze, and wasn't the one to actually say the word anyway.

I hardly see my dad, in fact this was probably the first time I'd seen him in two years, despite living just a five mile drive apart. Similar to most of my family, it's not that we don't like eachother, it's just that we aren't that close.

I'd expected to see him on Christmas day, and planned to tell him then, in the face of a few warnings not to. I wasn't about to wait any longer. Dad sometimes makes it difficult to arrange a get-together. When he didn't return my calls, I began paranoid imaginings that he was intentionally avoiding me this time, because he'd already found out; I even conceived a plan of telling him over the phone, to get it over with. When he called apologizing and explaining that his phone wasn't working, we arranged to have dinner together a couple of days later instead, when both Erin and my little sisters would be able to join us.

I knew Caitlyn and Carli (my sisters) would take it well. They're both laid back young teenagers, who make me excited to see who they'll grow up to be. When Dad left the table, I told my sisters, and the three of us began texting back-and-forth about it when he came back. After dinner, I said I had something I needed to tell him, which I followed up with stuttering noises, and quick glances between the wall and table. If I ever go skydiving, I'll definitely need someone to push me out of the plane. Eventually Caitlyn blurted it out for me, and I followed it up with some more specific explaining.

Dad seemed to take it well. He made sure to tell me that he still loves me, and even cracked a few jokes about how he was sorry that the Christmas presents he'd gotten me weren't more feminine. There was probably more going on under the surface, but for now I'm just grateful for the support. We'll worry about the rest later.

Word Vomit - Halloween, Vacation, Work, and Family

"You can try the best you can,
If you try the best you can,
The best you can is good enough."
  -- Radiohead, Optimistic

I'm long overdue for an update. Most of my friends already know the below, and it's pretty rambly, but I still feel like it's good to get down, if nothing else, for completeness sake. I'll try to rush through most of it, and I'll try to post more often in the future, instead of saving up for massive posts. =)

A couple of entries ago, I mentioned coming out to more people. Since then, I realized that there were still a lot of people that I have to tell personally before I'd feel ok just posting it on Facebook though, like the rest of Erin's family, the rest of my family, and work.

So, a while back we told Erin's mom and stepdad. They took it pretty well, though I still don't think they quite understand what it means to me and Erin. Erin's mom told her parents, and Erin's oldest brother, so now everybody knows except her dad's side of the family. We aren't sure how Erin's dad will react, so we don't plan on telling him soon, which is depressing, but he lives up in Ogden, so I guess it's not too big of a deal for now.

Telling Mom

"I can’t say that you’re losing me,
But I must be that which I am,
Though I know where this could take me,
No tears, no sympathy."
   -- VNV Nation, Epicentre

I've been talking a lot about wanting to come out to my family, and I'm happy to say that I've finally done something about it!

A month or two ago, I found out about National Coming Out Day, which is October 11th. I tend to procrastinate a lot, so I decided that setting that day as my goal was a reasonable way to pressure myself to do what I want to do, and tell more people.

Funerals and Family

"Some of us fall by the wayside,
And some of us soar to the stars,
And some of us sail through our troubles,
And some have to live with the scars"
   -- Elton John, Circle of Life

My grandma died last week, and yesterday I went to her funeral.

I've always sort of wondered how well I'll deal with death. My dad's parents both died when I was very young - I barely remember his mother. I think the last funeral I went to before this was for my dad's brother Bill, and that was... almost twenty years ago.

It's odd, because I'm such a mix of both strong emotion and strong logic, plus the fact that I've recently started on hormones, which I'm still getting used to; For the most part I've noticed that my range of emotions is similar to pre-HRT (Hormone Replacement/Reassignment Therapy), but I think I snap from one emotion to another more quickly.

The Story so Far

"When everything is going wrong,
And you can't see the point in going on,
Nothing in life is set in stone,
There's nothing that can't be turned around."
-- Garbage, Androgyny

Hi! I'm 27 years old, I live in Utah, my favorite color is blue, and I am transgender.

To give you the basics, I was born physically male, and while I don't think that I truly identify with either "traditional" gender role, I feel more female than male internally. I will not ask you to agree with this. All I ask is that you keep an open mind and make as few assumptions as possible, and I will gladly answer any questions you have. Questions, as I've really learned in the past few months, can be a great sign that people care.