Telling Erin's Family

"Breathe, keep breathing,
Don't lose, your nerve.

Breathe, keep breathing,

I can't do this, alone."

 -- Radiohead, Exit Music (For a Film)

*sigh*

I've been meaning to write for quite a while, as usual. For the same reasons that I really want to write, it's also been hard to find the time.

Between coming out to Erin's dad two weeks ago, planning our wedding, voice classes, planning work transition, and hanging out with old and new friends and family more in the past three months than in the whole previous year, sometimes I'm surprised I find time to breathe. It's good, but it's scary; I'm not used to my life being like this, and I always feel like I'm forgetting something really obvious.

I like to be aware of things. As long as I'm aware of everything, especially my own faults, then I can correct them or decide not to feel stupid about them ahead of time. The current pressure makes me worry that I'm losing awareness of details, like I could have something horrible on my face all day, and not notice. *sigh* C'est la vie.

Where was I? Oh yeah-- Erin's dad and stepmom took the news really well! Erin really loves her dad, so I think keeping this secret has been hard on her. That she loves him is also exactly why we were afraid to tell him. I was so scared that he was going to take it badly, and that I would blame myself.

We went to visit them with the intent to get it over with. When we got there, we skirted around it for a while, trying to find the right situation, which never comes. Suddenly, they started searching around the internets, and saying they wanted to see our FaceySpace profiles.

Me: *sinking feeling, tugging on Erin's arm* "Say something!"
Erin: "So... we came here to tell you something... [my old name] is transgender."
Dad-in-Law: "Ok, so? Why does that matter?"
Me: "It doesn't really matter, but it was still important that we tell you."
Dad-in-Law: "That makes sense... Listen, I may not agree with it, but as long as Erin's ok with it, it's fine."

The "I may not agree with it" caveat is always weird, but that's for another time. With the way they were going after our FB profiles, I'm pretty sure they knew ahead of time. I find that parents are often more clever than their children give them credit for.

They asked a few questions about it, which is always a good sign of acceptance. With the air cleared, we decided to stay and play a few rounds of Rummikub. Erin slipped back into calling me "she," and by mid-game, her dad picked up on it and started using female pronouns as well. At one point, Erin left the table to use the restroom, and he told me "You know, you can call me Dad." =3

I'm surprised I didn't write about it before, but the rest of Erin's family has been similarly accepting. Her brother was one of the first people we told, and he was actually excited for me. We told her sister last summer, and her mom, stepdad, and other brother in December. The last three even took us out to dinner to celebrate our engagement.

I thought people were supposed to hate their in-laws? If this is a dream, please, don't pinch me.

Word Vomit - Halloween, Vacation, Work, and Family

"You can try the best you can,
If you try the best you can,
The best you can is good enough."
  -- Radiohead, Optimistic

I'm long overdue for an update. Most of my friends already know the below, and it's pretty rambly, but I still feel like it's good to get down, if nothing else, for completeness sake. I'll try to rush through most of it, and I'll try to post more often in the future, instead of saving up for massive posts. =)

A couple of entries ago, I mentioned coming out to more people. Since then, I realized that there were still a lot of people that I have to tell personally before I'd feel ok just posting it on Facebook though, like the rest of Erin's family, the rest of my family, and work.

So, a while back we told Erin's mom and stepdad. They took it pretty well, though I still don't think they quite understand what it means to me and Erin. Erin's mom told her parents, and Erin's oldest brother, so now everybody knows except her dad's side of the family. We aren't sure how Erin's dad will react, so we don't plan on telling him soon, which is depressing, but he lives up in Ogden, so I guess it's not too big of a deal for now.

Self Deprecation: A Daily Routine

"I can't handle this but I can't handle anything else,
It's my own mistake, it's based on me and not on my groin.
It's the little things in my pants that we're all living for,
I never really knew what that thing down there was used for."
 -- Mindless Self Indulgence, Kill the Rock

I've been meaning to write again for a while. I have so many subjects swirling around in my head, but it's so much easier to procrastinate. =P Just a warning: this is a pretty long entry.

A few days ago, I came home after an average day, when suddenly a wave of pressure hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember bawling to Erin for half an hour, all the while repeatedly asking "What am I doing? I feel so crazy. I can't do this! What am I doing?"

Despite the fact that I'd woken her up, she was as sweet as ever, and stayed up to comfort me until I fell asleep sobbing. The last anxiety attack I can remember before this was at least five years ago, back when I was with Bitchface. I sort of thought I'd grown out of them. Turns out I've just had it easy for the last few years. My life honestly isn't that hard right now. I have a lot of great friends, a great job, a wonderful girlfriend, so what hit me so hard that night?

I did.

I try so hard to be strong outwardly, because I want people to be happy for me. I want people to see that this is right for me. I don't want them to see how much self-doubt I always have, or how afraid I am, but I am, and I need to stop bottling so much of that up. I'm not sure how to convey the kind of punishment I put myself through, other than to simply expose my daily thought process, so here goes.

Telling Mom

"I can’t say that you’re losing me,
But I must be that which I am,
Though I know where this could take me,
No tears, no sympathy."
   -- VNV Nation, Epicentre

I've been talking a lot about wanting to come out to my family, and I'm happy to say that I've finally done something about it!

A month or two ago, I found out about National Coming Out Day, which is October 11th. I tend to procrastinate a lot, so I decided that setting that day as my goal was a reasonable way to pressure myself to do what I want to do, and tell more people.

Overcoming Scriptophobia

"Paranoia strikes deep,
Into your life it will creep."
-- Buffalo Springfield, For What It's Worth

I often have a difficult time writing, because I write for an audience. In the same way that I have a hard time jogging just to jog, rather than to get somewhere, I have a hard time writing without a purpose. An audience fills that purpose, even an audience of one, but being the analytical and overthinking person that I am, I constantly wonder what a person who reads this will think.

I will erase, re-write, erase, re-write, and pore over the words for hours on end. More often than not, this ends in me permanently erasing the whole work.

Another issue is that as a cynical person, I am always certain that the reader is judging me. While I have no problem being judged by someone who knows "the whole story," I am terrified of being judged based on small pieces of information, so I often tell stories backwards. As I write a paragraph, I remember a facet of another story that would put this one in a better light, or make it more easily understood, and I begin writing its prequel.

I need to write this down, so please excuse me, while I attempt to deviate and leave the words in place long enough for you to read them, or at least for me to believe you have. It's difficult, it probably won't work, but I have to try.