Legal Name and Gender Change

"I don't need to prove myself;
I just need to be myself.
It doesn't show what I'm trying to be;
It just shows who I am."
 -- Anthrax, Packaged Rebellion

Old news to most people, but I changed my legal name and gender marker! W00T!

The initial process involved $350, a lot of forms, letters from my therapist and doctor, two court hearings, and visits to Vital Records, the Social Security offices, and the Driver's License division, but it has definitely been worth it. My awesome new legal name is Vivienne, and I've spent the last couple of weeks calling and/or visiting various institutions to get them to update it.

For some businesses, this is super easy. For example my gas and power companies simply verified some information over the phone, then made the change.

For other businesses, it's like pulling teeth. First off, many businesses assume a "name change" for a female-sounding person automatically means I've only changed my last name, due to a marriage. I have to get used to saying "I've changed my full legal name, first and last", and even that doesn't always do the trick. They start acting like it's a very strange and suspicious request, and sometimes bombard me with questions about why I changed it. Normally I'm such an open person that this wouldn't be a problem, but when they're such assholes about it, I get defensive as a matter of principle (and to be honest, it's none of their business).

Yesterday, I called my health insurance company. They're one of the last major businesses I have to call, because I wanted to make sure it was updated with my work first. After asking me to verify the information on the account I've had with them for a couple of years now, I had this fun conversation:

Rep: "How can I help you?"
Me: "My name has changed, and I need to make sure that's updated in your system."
"Ok, and is this Davin?"
"Well, that's not my name anymore."
"Ok, who am I speaking with then?"
"I'm the same person, I'm just not called 'Davin'."
"Oh... Can I put you on hold?"
*irritating hold music for a minute or two*
"Ok, Davin?"
URGH!
"Are you there? I've got Eileen from somethingsomething services on the line."
Eileen: "What can we do for you?"
"Well, my name is no longer Davin."
"Ok, what is your name?"
"Vivienne (my last name)."
"...Ok, I'm confused... is Davin your husband?"
"No. My name has changed from Davin to Vivienne."
"Ok, so you're the policy holder?"
"Yes."
"Ok, and you're new to eBay?"
"No, I've been with them for a few years."
"Ok... so you're just getting insurance for the first time?"
"Nope. I've been with you for a few years, too." (Aren't you looking at my account?!)

In the end, I had to call eBay HR to have them to push the info over. Fortunately the HR rep was much more reasonable and understanding, or I probably would've had an aneurysm. =P

I'm sure I'll be finding the old name in unexpected places for years, but in the mean time, it's great not having to worry about people giving me weird looks or claiming I'm not me when they check my ID. It's also really comforting to be called "Ms/Mrs" by strangers over the phone. I still sign the old name out of habit at least once a day, but I'm slowly getting used to it. =)

At this point, I've got a new birth certificate, social security card, driver's license, work badge, and bank card.

Shiny new birth certificate

And driver's license

Now I just have to figure out the most painless way to convince people that Erin and I really are two females legally married in the state of Utah. ><

Wedding Day! Part 2

"Me and you, and you and me,
No matter how they toss the dice, it had to be,
The only one for me is you, and you for me,
So happy together."
 -- The Turtles, Happy Together

Whew! Where to start? Where to start?

The two biggest things that have happened recently are my legal name change and my wedding. I should probably separate them in to two posts, so for now I'll stick to the wedding. =)

I posted regarding our engagement back in February, and a short post on our wedding day last week. Honestly I'm a bit surprised that's all I've posted, because a lot of my life over the past few months has been doing various planning and preparation for the wedding.

We held both the ceremony and reception at Erin's mom's last Friday, and they were both awesome.

Friday morning, after doing the final prep-work, including our hair/makeup/clothes, we met our photographer (my uncle) at Murray Park for some photos. Then we headed back to the venue and started greeting family and friends as they arrived. The ceremony was performed by our friend Eric, who did an amazing job, and I bawled through the entire thing.

After the ceremony, we took a few pics with family and friends, followed by a hilariously corny toast by our friend George:

 From there, Erin and I got tipsy and wandered around the house/yard, talking to various guests as they arrived for the reception party. At some point during the night we also managed to shove cake in each other's faces, and threw one of our two bouquets. For a guest book, we made 4x6 cards for everyone to write some advice on, and ended up filling half a photo album with them.

Almost everyone from both of our immediate families attended the ceremony, including my parents, grandpa, three of my four sisters, my brother, Erin's parents, grandma, sister, and brothers. I know at least a few of these people were still unsure on the idea of such a queer wedding, and some of them hadn't even seen me since transition, so it meant a lot to us that they came and supported us anyway.

All in all it was exactly what we wanted: laid back, fun, simple, but still romantic and memorable. It was also a blast having our friends and families mingling, and there were many times during the night when I'd pull a common interest out of the air just to get two random friends chatting. It's fascinating to step back and watch two people I've known for years become friends. My friend Kyle described the whole event as "floating in a sea of happy", and I couldn't agree more. It was without a doubt the best day of my life, from start to finish.

On Saturday, we relaxed and hung out with Erin's brother who was in town from California for the wedding. And on Sunday, we drove out to Wendover (a nearby town just over the Nevada border), had dinner with my mom/stepdad, played Blackjack/slots together, and spent the night in a hotel room with a jacuzzi tub.

We're meeting up with my uncle this Saturday to get the rest of the photos and help him out with his school project on diversity; so hopefully I'll post some more pics in a few days. =)

Wedding Day!

"Now we're together nearly every single day, singin'

Doo-wah-diddy diddy-dum diddy-do;

We're so happy and that's how we're gonna stay, singin'

Doo-wah-diddy diddy-dum diddy-do;

I'm hers (I'm hers), she's mine (she's mine),

Wedding bells are gonna chime"

 -- Rick Springfield, Doo Wah Diddy Diddy

Short post! I have a ton that I've been meaning to update on, but for now, I just wanted to say that it's my wedding day! Hooray!

At first, we were thinking about just having a simple ceremony at the courthouse. Then we decided that we should do that, but move it outside. Next we moved the venue to Erin's mom's house, to go back to simple. And then we thought, "If we're having it at Erin's mom's, we might as well invite more people.", and it has kept on building.

Fortunately we've still managed to keep it fairly simple, as weddings go, and the toughest part has been trying to let go of other peoples' expectations and pressures. We just don't care as much about the stupid little details as we do about being surrounded by friends and family, and I'm pretty sure we've managed that.

Since Erin and I have been (living) together for almost five years, this really isn't going to change much for us, so I'm more nervous about something going wrong than I am about actually marrying her. I need to just take a deep breath, focus on my wonderful bride and the people around us, and let that which does not matter truly slide. =)

1 Year on Hormones

"Every year is getting shorter,
Never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught,
Or half a page of scribbled lines."
-- Pink Floyd, Time

It's been just over a year since I started on hormones! W00t!

I actually took my first couple of doses in late-July of 2009, but then decided to hold off for a couple of weeks so that I could bank some *ahem* genetic material (testosterone regulates sperm production). I don't know whether that means my "official" E-day is in July or in August; either way, the year has really flown by.

I posted regarding the effects of hormones last December, and most of it still holds true. The physical changes have slowed down considerably, but haven't stopped by any means.

I've taken tons of pictures of myself over the last year (not every day, but still), which I hope to turn in to a slideshow at some point, but since that will take more time and motivation than I'm willing to devote for now, here are some before and after pics.

Before hormones/laser/transition:

And recently, after hormones/laser/transition:

Wedding Plans in Mormon Central

"Work it harder, make it better,
Do it faster, makes us stronger;

More than ever, hour after,

Our work is never over."

 -- Daft Punk, Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

Lots happening lately, which is good!

This morning, Erin and I finally managed to go order wedding invitations. We've been procrastinating, like we do with everything, but we're getting down to the wire at this point, so we figured we'd better get it done.

On the way to the printer's, we got pulled over for an expired registration-- another thing I've been forgetting/procrastinating for far too long (yeah, I know, it's dumb). As nervous and annoyed as I was, the officer was actually very nice and professional. He gave me a ticket (which I deserved), but didn't once mention my male ID, other than to ask if Davin is the name I prefer to go by. Yay!

Erin picked out Jaffa Printing, and the lady there was very helpful. We ended up choosing a cute polka-dot patterned border, which I'm sure I'll post a picture of later. The design is very fun, less formal, and very us. At one point, the clerk asked for the groom's name, then blurted out "You're the groom!?", but after I nodded, she quickly recovered, and didn't mention it again.

Everywhere we go, I'm constantly surprised at the lack of overt discrimination by businesses in conservative Utah. I have to think it's a combination of people coming around and realizing they want our money anyway, and luck. Some people even seem more enthusiastic about helping us out once they realize we're marrying each other.

The Bed Bath and Beyond in Jordan Landing is another great example. When we got registered there a few days back, they didn't seem to be thrown off by it at all. Employees kept coming by as we were scanning to congratulate us and ask if we needed help, and the main girl helping us asked cute questions, like how we met. She also asked, out of curiosity, what my legal name was, and seemed genuinely surprised by the answer. All in all a great experience.

In other news, I also finally managed to get a hold of my dad today. Apparently the number I've been calling for weeks is a work number that he doesn't answer. -_-  I can't keep track of his many cell phones any more.

Anywho, I hadn't actually talked to him since I came out to him in December. Somehow I managed to push through the conversation, and let him know that Erin and I are getting married, that nobody calls me Davi anymore, and that I'm switching my middle name to my last name. Whew! Apparently it all went over ok, because we're planning to get together for dinner this Saturday. It should be interesting having him see the new me for the first time.

Last, but not least, I went shopping today, and I think I've finally figured out what I'll be wearing to our wedding! Erin has ordered a very beautiful dress, but I've never been a fan of fancy clothes. Growing up, I hated the idea of getting married in a tux, but since anything else was out of the question, I also didn't dream of wearing a dress. At the same time, I don't want to look silly next to Erin, so today I picked up some slacks, new shoes, a white button-up shirt, and a cute black business-type jacket, open at the collar (all for around $100!).

I'm pretty proud of myself for putting together a cute outfit on my own (though I'm going to have a harder time with accessories), and for getting so much that we've been worried about out of the way. Hopefully I can ride this high for a while; we've still got a lot to do!

Blending in, For Better or Worse

"I'm just a face in the crowd,
Nothing to worry about,
Not even trying to stand out;
I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller."
 -- Nine Inch Nails, Getting Smaller

I've been passing a lot lately, which is nice. Everywhere I go, I get "miss"ed or "ma'am"ed by strangers, including on the phone and voice chat (which was my original voice goal- w00t)! I'm so happy to be talking online again, even if I still get nervous that I'm talking too much, or that I may slip back in to my old voice when I get excited.

Passing is pretty important to me, mostly because I like being able to blend in. Being perceived as female also means that I don't get harassed in bathrooms, and puts the control of when, how, and if I tell people I'm trans in to my hands.

I once read an interesting question: "If you were the only person left in the world, would you still need to transition?" My answer would be a definite "no." To me, transition is an act of moving from one social box to another. If I were the only one left in the world, I wouldn't need to fit in to either box, but I'd still look/talk/act a lot closer to how I do today than how I did two years ago.

Unfortunately, we live in a society that is very focused on the gender binary. I've learned to walk a fine line, as I think many people do, between what's truly me, and what's societally acceptable for my gender. The difference between trying to do this as a male, and trying to do this as a female, is that I feel much more comfortable now.

Over the last year, and especially the last few months, I've continually tried on new aspects of appearance, personality, speech, etc. I try a trait to see if it feels like me, if it's passable, if it's sustainable, then I either adopt it, or toss it in the bin. I like to think that I'm speed-learning the things I may have learned growing up, had my life been a little different. I also know, of course, that I have a long way to go, and that my presentation will always be improving.

It's interesting, all the subtle differences in how strangers look at me and talk to me since I've started presenting as female, but there are two changes that stand out the most.

First, people open doors for me everywhere I go.

And second, random people give Erin and me dirty looks at the slightest sign of PDA. Erin has no problems with it, but it's taken me a long time to get used to. Of course, when I appeared male, nobody had any problem with us. Now, the only thing that's really changed is my appearance, and suddenly they don't approve. If they only knew. >=D

Showing my ID is also getting more and more awkward. Sometimes I warn people that "it's the wrong gender". Most people just furrow their brows a bit and move on, but a few weeks ago at a bar, the server declared "This isn't you."
I replied that it was indeed me, though "I know I looked a little different with the goatee."

"Oh. It is you."

Of course, the fun part was then explaining the confusion to the friends of friends I was with.

I've started figuring out all the paper work for a legal name change. (Thanks Dexter for helping me out!) The first step is to get certification from the sex offender registry that I'm not in it. From there, I basically just fill out a whole bunch of forms, and schedule a court hearing. I'm excited, because it will take a lot of worry and hassle out of life, but at the same time, I'll miss those opportunities to bring attention to my trans status.

I feel like I'm reaching a turning point. Just as I'm learning to like identifying as trans, and beginning to consider how much I have to offer the T community, even just by being out and being me, I can also see how easy it would be to put this behind me and be a "normal" girl. I can understand why a lot of transsexuals choose to move to a new place and start a new life. Even though I knew from the beginning that I couldn't do that, I don't blame them in the slightest.

Personally, I hate keeping secrets about myself, and I'll probably always be out, but how active I want to be as an advocate is a question I've yet to answer.

Utah Pride, 2010

"Won't explain, or say I'm sorry.
I'm unashamed, I'm gonna show my scar.

Give a cheer, for all the broken,
Listen here, because it's only..."
 -- My Chemical Romance, Welcome to the Black Parade

This last weekend was the Utah Pride Festival.

This was only my second year attending Pride. Last year, I watched the parade and wandered the festival with friends; this year I was much more active and involved.

On Saturday, Erin and I attended Utah's first ever Transgender March, which was awesome. Apparently we had around 100 people, which is much more than most of the people I talked to had predicted. Hopefully they'll do it again next year, as I'm sure it will only grow from here. They held the Dyke rally and Trans rally at the same time, which made me sad, but I have to go first and foremost with the T. The great part about the way it was done is that the two marches were able to join forces at a mid-point, along with the Interfaith Pride March, and then head down State Street in droves. George also met up with us at the mid-point, and was even sweet enough to hold a sign that said "Trans Fabulous" high and proud for me.

I wish I'd planned a little better, but by the time the marches ended, I only had about half an hour until my shift in the eBay booth, and I was 9 city blocks away from my car, which had the eBay shirt I needed to wear in it. I took off towards my car while George and Erin headed for Trax to get home. I only ended up being about 10 minutes late, but the heat and the huge hill our capitol building is on just about killed me.

I'm very much a nighttime person, and I've never done well with the heat. Add to this that hormones have killed my internal temperature regulation, and that I haven't had my hair this long in years, and it isn't hard to conclude that I probably shouldn't even leave the house on a hot summer day.

On Sunday, Erin and I marched with the eBay folks in the Pride Parade, which was a hoot. We blasted Weird Al's "eBay", and handed out eBay temporary tattoos to everyone and anyone.

Erin and I, waiting for the Parade to start.

The eBay parade crew.

The back of the "I AM" shirts say "eBay", but the front seems to imply other meanings on its own. ;) 

Handing out free stuff to the crowd.

Fortunately, I gave myself plenty of time before my booth shift this time, so after we were done with the parade, Wifey and I wandered over to Beans and Brews and zoned out on their comfy air-conditioned chairs while sipping iced mocha and iced chai for about an hour.

Next, we decided to wander the festival. The festival is great fun, and it's so nice to be in a place with so many people who don't care who you're holding hands with, but it's also pretty commercialized. Half the booths are selling jewelry or shirts or potpourri or who knows what, and most of the others are promoting a cause. We ended up skimming past most of the booths, and only lingered at a few of the more interesting ones, such as the "Gender Zone", where they had a great timeline of the history of gender variance.

This time, the Erinkins decided to just hang out with me while I helped out at the booth. We had silent auctions, with the proceeds going to charity, and for the most part I just helped people who wanted to bid and kept an eye on the goods, which at least kept me out of the sun. Unfortunately, I think it also kept me out of the occasional breeze. Even though my shift was only a couple of hours, by the end of it, I was zapped.

George met up with us again, and we went out to dinner, where I got to feel sweaty, gross, and stupid at a nice Japanese restaurant.

I'm very grateful to my love for tagging along and supporting me. Overall, I had a lot of fun, met some great people, and had a lot of good experiences where people were surprised to find out that I'm not a genetic female, but I ended up very emotionally and physically drained. Next year, I will definitely pick my battles more carefully, and try to hit up more shows, parties, celebrations, and other things I can passively enjoy. ;)